10 August 2009.
I finished my last Ballet performance with a heavy heart. Although it was a prestigious performance at the stage of the Genee Ballet Gala, it wasn't a pleasant experience because I know that it was my last performance before I bid bye to ballet, to my dream.

Sometime before that, I made up my mind to sacrifice myself, my dream.
Although at the same time, I was a step closer to my dream when I got my first pair of pointe shoes. Barely a few weeks of lessons with my pointe shoes and I stopped wearing them. It was a struggle, but at that point of time, I thought it was the right thing to do.

Just like that, I gave up my dream to something called "family problems".


7 years down the road, I managed to find a new dream, a new goal in life.
But now you're telling me that I have to yet again, give it up.
My question is: Why am I always the one sacrificing?


13 March 2016.
I woke up to hearing the discussing about selling this flat, and getting a 3-room HDB instead so that you have more cash on hands. I did thought it was a joke, but who knew that it was real.
Not that I have lived here for 20 years and reluctant to move. But how do you want me to accept this change in life because selling the flat is just a beginning of the nightmare.

Last year, you robbed me of $7k worth of life-long saving plus the reward of my scholarships without telling me. You left me to discover the lost on my own, telling me that you will return it to me soon.
But the truth is that I will never see my $7k anymore. My dream for a graduation trip gone, my dream of a Europe tour gone, my dream for my future gone.

$7k being nothing but "material item".
I eventually told myself to accept it as a give-back for the upbringing for the past 19 years. I told myself $7k is nothing as compared to the rice, meat and everything given to me for the past 19 years.
I came to accept the truth that my $7k wont return to my bank account.

Then what about a Degree Certificate? Is it an achievement in life, self-esteem, level of social status or just any other "material item"?
Today, I know you're indirectly telling me something. Telling me that going to the University can only be a dream in life because its something impossible.
Who have $30K just for a piece of paper, right?

Yes, I indeed struggled for quite some time between going into the workforce and continuing my education. But why when I have finally decided to get a Degree cert' that you're telling me I made the wrong move. That it's never going to happen?
My question is: Why am I always the one sacrificing, AGAIN?

Just because I'm the second child?
Just because I'm a female?
Just because I'm more mature?
Just because I can take hardship?
我不明白。

Today, I don't know what's the meaning of life anymore.
It feels like a mission of paying debts that was never indebted by me.
Why, just why?


Ivy.

不管是长大了，还是老了。

想跟19岁的自己说：谢谢你，你辛苦了！

再跟20岁的自己说：你要更勇敢，加油！

谢谢爱我的人，和我爱的人。:)

Loves,
Ivy

It has been awhile.

Slightly 1 and half month more to end of Internship which means Graduation. It has been quite a struggle recently on the topic if to continue studying or to work for a living.

The dream was always to go overseas, probably Switzerland to pursue Hospitality studies. But where got money? I eventually set my goals on local Uni', simply NTU Business or SIT Hospitality for the sake of modules exemption, for which, hopefully I can get my degree faster and work towards things I really want in life.

But the 4 months of Internship have changed my mind.
Have been asking myself a lot, if the events industry is really something I want to do in the future? Is that something I want to be bothered by for the rest of my life.
Probably not. Because MICE industry is f-ing boring. I swear I have never seen this huge amount of database before. I swear this is record created of Ivy facing Excel sheet for 4.5months (Coming to 6 months) straight.
In fact, Internship/ MICE industry has make me realise how much I hated events actually.

I guess it's always a love-hate relationship.

Still couldn't make up my mind.
A real struggle this time, making me think so much, end up feeling so vex about life. It seems as though all the dreams and goals I have been holding onto all the years are nothing.
It's like air bubbles, the nearer I get, the easier it burst and disappear into the thin air.

Graduation slapped right in my face now yet I cant decide on my path after that.
Freaking have no idea what I wanna do in the future. That is also why I couldn't make up my mind if I should apply for University. Cos' even if I were to apply for Uni', what the hack should I apply for?

Probably because that bloody piece of paper called "Degree/ Bachelor" will cost me at least $35K.

//

Deteriorating health recently.
Self-suspect its the attack of MRSA infection.
It has been almost a year of the attack and I haven't been to the doctor. Don't ask me why, its not that I don't have the time or money. I guess it's more of the inner fear when the test results it out. I don't think I would have the courage to face the truth of whatever infection or illness I am suffering from.

Hitting the age of 20 in a week's time, I realised how I have matured and all the thinking have changed. Family, health and happiness really mattered to me now, although it seems as cliché as it is.
To think all I wanted to wish for this year is really a good health instead of all the materialistic wishes like a new laptop or winning the lottery.

Sometimes, its really not about whether or not we believe if good health is that important. It's simply because the bad hasn't strike and we don't know the pain of not having good health.
And when it strike, we realised it's all too late.

As drama as it is.
I still don't have the courage to make clear life decisions. I still don't have the courage to face the truth of that bloody 4 physical holes on my body parts.

Given the honour, I really want a good health and happiness for everyone around me.
Nothing bets that.


Ivy.
(One-time type and post - 真情流露。)

Many times, all I wanted was just for you to care for me.
Nothings worst than you treating me as an outsider.

To be honest, how many times do we speak on a normal day?
How long do we even see each other face to face each day?

It has gone to an extent that I need to rely on Social Media to know what you have been up to. Because you don't even want to answer simple message like me asking if you want to lunch together.
You saw the message, you treat it as nothing and that's it.

1 week ago, I invited you to my award ceremony. If you didn't want to go, you could have jolly well told me so.
Yes, when I asked you about it, I was hoping that you will agree to it. But since you have made the promise, shouldn't you make necessary arrangement to live up to it?
Even if right to the bottom of your heart that you don't want to go, I would appreciate it if you tell me about it. I understand and will try to understand.

But no.
You're pushing the blame to me, as though it's my fault to conduct the ceremony an a day where you are not free.
Really, if you can't make it/ don't want to make it, just tell me honestly.

I'm getting very tired of all this where I can no longer be myself.
Where I can no longer speak my mind.

Again, it's another step close to leaving home.

Loves,
Ivy.

Useless piece of shit.

Sorry but to say you're just being a bloody freeloader.
Staying on because you get some form of "benefits" that you felt that you can show off to others.
But to be honest, you don't deserve these benefits at all.

Holding on for the sake of holding on.
You said I think too highly of myself, what about yourselves?

Don't even compare me to you because we don't belong to the same level of category.
You are you, I am me.

Loves,
Ivy

Sudden goals of AY2015 after my classmates mentioned about it yesterday:

Valedictorian
Diploma in Integrated Events Management
School of Hospitality
 
Diploma Prize
Diploma in Integrated Events Management with Merit
School of Hospitality


To be honest, I have never thought of anything that got to do with "Valedictorian" until yesterday when my classmate mentioned about it. I guess I didn't really care about the existence of "Valedictorian", I just wanted to be the TOP student of DIEM. :D
So apparently my classmates were trying to "bet" on who would be the Valedictorian for our batch...
hahahahahahaha.. I don't know if I should be honoured that I am in their list. =P


Then again, my GPA is only 0.05 away from the current TOP student.
Then again, do I need to be so competitive?
Then again, is it a "Desire" or is it a "Want" ?

#DontAskMe
#KeepFighting

Loves,
Ivy

Year 3 Semester 1 = 1 step closer to graduation.

I swear I once wanted to be a lawyer when I was a kiddo. All thanks to all the TV dramas, showcasing how swag, how superior and rich it is to be a lawyer.

So about 10 years or so later, I finally got the chance to come in touch with Law. Business Law to be exact and I swear its not for the faint-hearted.
3 weeks into lesson, I have no idea how did lawyers become lawyers (if you get what I mean). 3 page worth of Case law and I'm dozing off.... Yet these people can make it to court, recall law sections and number like free memory space then shoot words like they are the righest people on earth.
How on Earth did they made it?!?!?!

As for me, I already have trouble understanding the different case law. YAWN. How do I even apply it, support my "client" and even argue with the opposite party to win the case??
whatttttttttttttt.....

and I think it's because of Business Law, school to me nowadays is like ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Adding on, 3 proposals + 1 practical + PMP project + SEA Games 2015.
Life is going to be funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn....

OMG.
I NEED SOME P.O.S.I.T.I.V.I.T.Y.

goodnight stupid law.
I wonder when will I understand you, conquer you and Ace for my exams.
Shall we be friend, even though I hate you?

loves,
Ivy